Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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