Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
