does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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