Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
