I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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