I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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