Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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