I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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