I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
