FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize