she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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