I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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