i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize