I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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