she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
