I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
