my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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