i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
