I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
