Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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