I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
