Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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