Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
