My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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