I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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