How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize