I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
