Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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