Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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