Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
