What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
