Just cropdusted the office
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
