How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
