Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
