my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Everyone says I win the strip club
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
