God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
