Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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