is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
