so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
