____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
