I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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