U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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