I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize