You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
