bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
