Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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