he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
