i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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