she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
