Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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