I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
