I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
