My room smells like vodka and shame
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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