Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i don't like sucking hair
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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