woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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