puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
