Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
