If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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