I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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