I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
