How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize