Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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