The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
