I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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