I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize