I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
