yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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