She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
