Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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