tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
